mixed feelings.

The last month before we left, the whole trip made me very anxious. All of a sudden I started thinking, "This is not what I want. This does not feel right." I started questioning moving at all, wondering if it was something that I would regret. I knew that I wanted to be there for my family, but it felt like home to be where I was already. I felt like I couldn't really say much about it to Zach because he never said anything negative about the move; he was so excited. And part of me felt like I could not tell anyone else the way I was feeling because everyone expected for me to go, so to say that I was questioning it, I felt like I would be letting people down. I really just felt so guilty.

I didn't tell many people that I felt this way, only a select few, starting with one and then slowly telling a few more. The woman that I was working for at the time was the one person I really told everything to about the way I was feeling. She had been through a move that took her halfway across the country from her family, so she kind of knew what I was going through. She kept telling me that it was a normal feeling to have,that sometimes you just get scared even though you know that you are doing something that you want. I guess it is kind of like getting cold feet. Other people that I told generally told me the same thing- "Oh you're fine, you know that it is something you have always wanted to do," "You're just scared, you know that you will love it once you are out there," "You can't be scared to go, this has always been your dream," "You would just regret it if you didn't do it." Eventually Zach and I talked about it and I tried to get on the same level of excitement as he had and tried to just remember what everyone was saying. But honestly, my reservations about it never completely went away.


Part of me wanted to just say, "Yeah okay, I guess your right" but then the other part of me said to trust my own feelings and not what everyone else believed I was feeling. I tried to just go with the flow and just make the best out of everything. I figured they must be right, it must be cold feet, and I will be happy once it came. I mean after all they were right about the fact that I had been talking about doing this ever since I was in high school, if not before. 

So as the time got closer I felt excited, nervous, sad, anxious, and just about every other feeling that you could imagine or think of. I was excited that Zach and I would be going on this amazing adventure together, but I was sad to leave all that I had ever really known. All of my friends, the area, my grandparents, Zach's family; It was all a lot to think about leaving. On the other hand, I got to think about living right by the beach, seeing my siblings grow up, not having to worry about freezing my butt off in January and having to scrape snow off of my car. 


Needless to say, I was overwhelmed with different emotions. When it actually came time for the move, however, I was extremely excited. I was past the point of missing people and focusing on the true adventure I was about to experience. I started to get most excited the last two or three days before the move when it came to packing the trailer and the car up because then it was completely real to me. I focused on the good things that we were about to go through and chose to let the things that would sadden me go.


Until next time,
xxox